For all of the discussion about the care needs of an aging population, only 5% of people over the age of 65 actually require institutional care. But for those who do, a move to nursing home can shatter their self esteem, and disrupt cherished family relationships and social connections. Admission to a nursing home requires adjustment to an environment that looks and feels more like hospital than home, to routines more suited to staff schedules than their own preferences, and to unfamiliar people invading their intimate spaces. Separated from the family that has cared for them, and the friends with whom they have shared life’s joys and sorrows, new nursing home residents can feel abandoned and alone, a double burden when combined with dementia or physical disability.
Family and friends suffer too. They have feelings of guilt and loss when someone they love is admitted to nursing home. Family members are often confused about their new role in their loved one’s care. Friends may feel that their pal is gone forever. And everyone tends to avoid visiting for a variety of reasons—they don’t know how to talk to someone with dementia; the person doesn’t know they are there anyway; the environment is depressing.
A change in attitude is long overdue. Our friends who find themselves in nursing home care need our love and companionship more than ever. They don’t stop being who they are just because they need care. So here are a few thoughts on how to make a nursing home visit more comfortable for both the visitor and the visited.
1. Most nursing homes have a full schedule of activities and special events that focus on the interests and needs of their residents. Find out what they are and plan to attend. Musical presentations, Bingo, cooking classes, coffee time, exercises classes and birthday parties are just some of the opportunities for residents and their friends to interact and engage.
2. Visits don’t have to be long. Short and frequent is better. You will give your friend’s self esteem a boost just by letting him know that he hasn’t been forgotten. Even if your friend’s memory gaps make it difficult for her to remember who you are, she will feel affirmed to know that a nice person came especially to see her. The value of a friendly visit for the well being of a nursing home resident should not be underestimated.
3. Let the nursing staff know who you are. Tell them about your relationship with the resident. Staff sometimes forget that residents have a life unrelated to the nursing home. When they hear stories about the person’s life and relationships, it helps them to see a person rather than a resident—a person who is a valued community member, a beloved family member and a dear friend.
4. Establish a predictable routine for your visits. Come at the same time on the same day every week. Mark your visits on a calendar in your friend’s room so that they will have something to look forward to. Find some way to actively connect and make it your special thing to share–take a walk, look at old pictures, listen to music, or enjoy the view from the window. Then leave a note that records your visit (a visitors book makes a nice gift!) so that others can remind your friend that you were there.
5. Become part of the nursing home community. Get acquainted with other residents and their families; support each other on the journey of nursing home care. Share a meal in the dining room from time to time. Volunteer to help out with activities. Involvement can make the nursing home feel like an extension of your home and community for both you and your loved one in care.
Most of us know of someone who requires nursing home care. Though disease and disability have taken away their ability to live independently, their value as people remains. It is up to the rest of us to maintain the connection with them and ensure that they are not forgotten.